SlapDash

Books are being packed up, pencils are being put away, that half-used pack of Scantrons are being given away to underclassmen who need them... Yes my friend, it's final's week. I have one final left and I am done then it's party time for me. But finals week is more than just taking a test... it's a time of reflection... reflection of what I've learned throughout the semester both in and out of class... reflection of the mistakes I've made and refelctions of what I am going to miss most this summer. Every year there is a special group of people who my heart gets sooo attached to that I hate the thought of leaving, this year it's even harder as many of my friends are graduating. I think the hardest part of this final's week is that I have had lots of time to reflect on all the drama that has transpired and I think to myself what a waste of time it was, it didn't solve anything, and I almost severed several friendships over something soooo silly. But now things are somewhat normal again and I can't help but wonder what next semester is going to bring. So much has changed this semester, I wonder what life-altering decisions are going to be made next year. I think the largest change I've made recently is the major shift... I finally have a goal, and guess what, God is giving me the skills to push towards that goal with the capability to reach it, and I love the challenges it brings me. Another thing that have changed my life this year is finally overcoming my discontentment about myself and being able to except my life as God has given it to me. One thing many people do not realize about me is that though I come off very confident and "spunky" and easy going, I am anything but. I am very disatisfied with everything about myself, I am only spunky because I think that it's the easiest way to protect myself from getting hurt and crying over what could be said about me, and CONFIDENCE? Never... (I am going to open up a little too much here but for illustration point it's necessary) Earlier in the semester I was having an ultra-low self-confidence day, it was to the point where I burst out into very angry tears, I was blaming all the drama (over the last 3 years) in my life on the superficial and my appearance; I told Justina that just once I wanted, not to be told I was pretty or cute, not to be told that I had a good personality, not to be told that I was a great friend and counselor, but to actully FEEL beauitful, loved, and wanted because the only people who "tell" me those things are people who are (predominatly female) required to love me regaurdless, and there has never been a time in my life that I actully felt beautiful. Now I stop and think how self-centered I was and how retarded that concept is (yeah, it's nice to feel beautiful) but since that point I learned something very important, until I am content with where God has put me, NOTHING is going to make me feel beautiful because ultimatly the only Beautiful thing about myself is the Love of God and until I can get off myself and let God's love OOZE out of me, I'm not beauitful. That has done wonders to my soul... grandid that does not fix the pain that comes from all the drama (I say drama because "Junior High School Miniseries" is too long of a title) that has happened since freshman year, but it does make the future a whole lot brighter. And it doesn't instantly change my out-look on myself, but it does convict me when I come to that point where I am angry and remind me where my focus should be...